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ROWAN.TXT
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Internet Message Format
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1995-02-04
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3KB
From: alph@wsinfo03.win.tue.nl (G.J.W. Hagenaars)
Subject: Rowan Atkinson Live, missing skit (censored by BBC)...
Summary: No one called Jones
in order to make this transcription as accurate as possible, i found it
necessary to include the responses of the audience. (It wasn't half as
funny without those.) So bear in mind that [..] stands for `pause for
laughter'.
NO ONE CALLED JONES
<RA enter, wearing a boarding school master's outfit, carrying a book
and a pencil>
[applause]
<looks disapprovingly>
Right, come on, settle down please. [...] Answer your names
Anus
[..]
Arsebandit
[..]
Bottom
[..]
Clitoris
[..]
<louder> Where are you Clitoris?
[.......]
Doodoo
[..]
Enema
[..]
Fistup
[..]
<waits>
[..]
Come on, GROW UP, please
[.......]
Kenital
[..]
<scrutinizes book> I'm sorry <looks up> Genital
[...]
Herpes
[..]
<half muttering> Still with us I see
[.......]
Imadick
[..]
<louder> IMADICK!
[.....]
Enema, you know Imadick, don't you
[....]
Jaculation
[..]
Myprick
[..]
Has anybody seen Myprick
[.....]
Come on, _somebody_ must have seen Myprick
[.......]
Very well, remind me to beat Myprick when he does turn up
[.......]
Nicenquick
[..]
Ontop
[..]
Pube... Ahh, Myprick, so good of you to turn up.
[..]
Yes, now that you are here, Myprick, perhaps you'd like to find a seat.
Bottom, squeeze Myprick in somewhere there.
[.....]
Rigid
[..]
Our Russian exchange student, Suckmeoff
[....]
Tightfit
[..]
Upyoursh
[..]
Vulva
[..]
Yourprick
[..]
and Zipper
[..]
Zipper?
absent
Now then boys, the headmaster has asked me to speak to you this morning
on the subject of smut. [....]
All members off staff have noticed an alarming increase in the use of silly
humour and puerile innuendo about the school (RigidFistupBottom, OUT!)
[..........] There have been some disgusting doodlings on the walls of the
lavatory (sit up straight Ontop). [..] One or two unpleasant health
magazines have been found (if you fall asleep, Ontop, i shall be _very
annoyed_). [....]
And Mr. Hardon tells me that there's been a great deal of sniggering in
his biology class (Tightfit, Heaven's sake, leave Yourprick alone.
[....] I don't care, Yourprick had no business poking in your desk in
the first place). I will not put up with this kind of behaviour boys,
and neither i must warn you will Mr. Greatbighardcock. [..] This is a
school for the sons of gentlemen. And the theory is that one day you
will turn into gentlemen yourselves. That is, with the exception of
Genital, who appears to be turning into a ferret. [..] So, there'll be
an end to this second form toilet humour, where so much conversation is
just devoted to smutty, doodles on t.. (DoodooSuckmeoffNicenquick,
_detention_ Saturday). [.......]
Right, I'm going to the staffroom now, but if I come back and catch
Herpes in the corridor, like the headmaster did yesterday, then there'll
be trouble.
END
notes:
1) The first occurence of Kenital is actually not said with a `K', but
with a `G' as in `Golf', /genitl/ as opposed to the second (correct)
/d3enitl/. But how do you put something like that in plain ASCII?
2) I'm not quite sure about the `doodles on t..'. As far as I can make
out the tape, it's something like `dooblonton'. Which doesn't make sense
to me.